A letter to myself when I was eighteen
I know you wrote me several letters but I seemed to have lost them. I know too that you just gave out a sigh after reading that line and said, oh no, I have not changed. I still lose things. And I would not deny it.
I lose things – that cassette tape that Brian bought for me because he composed one of the songs in it, the poetry and sketches I made during those insomniac nights when I broke up with Daymeon, the ring that Inay Marietta gave me (and to think she had that made from the broken pair of ruby earrings I can’t remember not having until the clasps broke when I, err, we were twelve). And you won’t believe how many men I have lost, hahaha, some were good riddance but a couple might be keepers, but who knows, right?
But you will be glad to know that I also found so many things. I found out that our mom was too protective because she cared too much. I found out that I am actually tougher than anyone thought, including you.
I did not become a doctor nor a food technologist. Bobby’s prediction that I would someday be Binibining Pilipinas did not come true (ha!). Instead, I became so many things: actress, writer, events manager, marketing director, researcher… I know, you only wanted to be the first two. I quit acting not long after college. I am sorry. I know you will tell me – "No! I cannot imagine life if I am not acting anymore." But see, that wasn’t for me anymore.
I still write. Yes, I write and that should make you happy. Cherry said I am a better writer than you were but I guess that’s because you were distracted by all those chemistry classes and I am gifted with what you do not yet have – experiences.
I have cried harder, laughed harder, had my heart broken, mended, broken again. I have said goodbyes to people I love – Inay Mayet, Daddy Sarge. But I have also welcome in my life, people that I will love and love greatly – Paolo and his cousins, Joman and Ira.
And this is why I think I am in the position to tell you now these advice:
It is okay to be different – The world would be a terribly boring place if all the fruits in the world were apples. So be the actress who dresses differently. Be the poet who scribbles poetry in Food Science Lab. For god’s sake, be emo when you want to be. And it is okay if you don’t ever comb your hair if you don't feel like it. Be yourself. People I meet now who you thought didn’t like you because you were too eccentric for them actually have good memories of you so don’t worry (if you mind their opinion too much. Do you? I can’t remember.)
Be Open – Try to get out of your safe, little theater clique and your precious CVG friends. There are so many interesting people you could get to know and like. Remember that guy you actually snubbed in Com I? And he turned out to be such a great leader and activist that TV reporters are running after him all the time. You would have learned a lot from him if you gave him half the chance.
The world does not revolve around you - I see no reason to explain that. You are intelligent, go figure it out.
Be Patient - I know you want to achieve so many things and you want to achieve them all NOW and that isn’t really a bad thing. But please take your time. Enjoy your youth. Know that there is a perfect time and perfect place for everything.
And having said all that, I want to remind you to be kind to yourself.
You will commit mistakes, you will make bad decisions but know that if your heart is in the right place, things will turn out alright, you will be okay.
In case you are wondering how I am...
I am okay. I think I am the kind of person I will like at times, dislike at times but will always love. I have managed to make the correct exits in the many times I have made wrong entrances. I have managed to make lemonades when life was handing me lemons. And I have shared those lemonades with the friends I now value like they are family and you know that then and now, there is nothing I value more than my family.
And I still write. And I will continue to write.
I still see a long journey up ahead. I will still go the way that my heart and mind will lead me to. Yes, heart and mind both because I feel and think that life should be a balance of intellect and emotion.
And please know that wherever this journey may take me, I will always remember you in that moment when you were walking down Vinzon’s hall towards Sunken Garden....
Your hair was uncombed, you were feeling all sweaty but you had no care in the world and were actually half-smiling to yourself because you were remembering something nice and then you saw a friend and you smiled wider before you come to her side and she said, “Kanina pa kita tinitingnan. Ang ganda mo.”
If you are asking why that moment. Is it because of vanity? Not at all. It is because it is a reminder that at a time when you didn’t care, at a time when you might not even be aware of it, the genuine happiness in your heart will always be the one thing that makes you beautiful.
